Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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