my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
