I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
