If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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