Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
sex in a hospital.. check
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.