I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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