I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
