That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
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For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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