I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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