I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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