Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
