captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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