i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
