You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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