why didn't you poke me back
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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