She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
