mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
