i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
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No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
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I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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