1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
