I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
