I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hello my rib-scented angel!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
