oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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