dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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