Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
