Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
should my penis look like a turkey
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
