I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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