Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
