you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
