You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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