it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
