Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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