You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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