I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
