I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Randomize
