Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
