just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
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I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
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lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday