just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
