and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
