Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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