I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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