Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
