On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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