Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
