peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think my fart just growled at me.
My pussy is not your playground.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
