weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
