Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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