I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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