I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
