I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
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