hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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