I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
