I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
