Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE