I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
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Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
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It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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