so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes