I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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