Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
