I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
