One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
