I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
