I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
